What My Daughter Has Taught Me...

It is our duty, as parents, to teach our children, to train them and equip them to be successful in life. It is quite overwhelming when you stop to think about it. For me, it's not just raising her to be a law-abiding, respectful citizen, my Christian faith comes into play as well. I brought a soul into this world...a soul that will last for an eternity. Wow, what a responsibility and a challenge! I am honored and humbled that God would allow me to share in the task of training up this wonderful person in the way she should go. Rather than dwell on just how much I need to teach her, I'd like to reflect on just how much she has taught me. She has only been in my life for seven short weeks, but she has taught me so much about life...I have probably learned more about life from her in this short amount of time, than I have in my 28 years prior to her birth.

She has taught me to die to myself. When I have time off from work (which I have for two months now), the last thing I want to do is crawl out of bed at 7 or 8 am. However, when she begins to wake up, I pull myself out of bed to take care of her. And I do so with a joyful heart. Instead of spending $25 on a manicure, I'd rather spend $25 on books, or a developmental toy for her. When I was pregnant, when I came down with the flu, I could care less about how I felt...my concern was for her well being. For the first time in my life, my focus is not on myself. It's not about "me" anymore, and I'm okay with that.

She has taught me patience. When you have a little one that doesn't want to go to sleep, or cries for no fathomable reason, you certainly have to develop patience. You can choose to get frustrated, or you can choose to just let go, take a deep breath, and accept the fact that you can't always be in control of a situation.

She has taught me to trust. When I first became pregnant, the timing was off. Brad had just started a business, we had crappy insurance and I had no idea how we were going to afford a baby. However, we made some adjustments to our lifestyle and God has provided through the generosity of others and by bringing work our way. Also, nothing forces you to exercise faith and trust like being wide awake on an operating room table when a doctor is about to cut you open! What an intimidating, frightening situation, but I just had to trust that I was in capable hands!

She has taught me to take joy in the little things of life. Nothing is more precious than waking up each morning to that huge, toothless grin and a coo of delight. Nothing is more victorious than getting her to sleep through the night. Her name means "full of life", and Vivian certainly lives up to her name. She is so happy and content and is already so full of zest. When I see my husband, or other friends and family members hold her and dote on her, my heart just swells with happiness and contentment. No amount of money could buy anything more priceless or valuable than the joy that she brings to me.

Most of all, she has taught me to love more than I ever thought possible. I never realized the capacity of my heart until I met Vivian. There are so many people in my life that I already love like crazy...obviously my husband, my parents, and as many of you know, my "furry children." But when she first rested in my arms and opened her eyes to look into mine, a part of my soul that I didn't realize even existed, was awakened. It was like watching the sun rise for the very first time. When I stop to think about how much I love her, it actually brings me to tears. I would fight to the death, I would lay down my life to save hers in a heartbeat, without even thinking about it. "No greater love than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

Thank you so much for all that you have taught me, sweet Vivian...I look forward to learning much more from you in the years to come!

Vivian's Birthday!

For awhile now, I've been meaning to post Vivian's birth story, but between lots of cuddling, feeding, diaper changes and sleep deprivation, I haven't gotten around to writing. I think the theme of my birth story is to plan not to plan! Because NOTHING went as I expected.

Originally I was going to use a midwife and I saw one up until my 40th week of pregnancy. The last couple of weeks, they were concerned because of her size versus my size and the fact that she wasn't dropping down at all in my birth canal, and first time babies usually will drop a week or two before delivery. They still said they were comfortable delivering her at the birth center, but warned me that there would be a decent chance that I would end up having to transfer to the hospital. After a lot of thought and prayer, we decided that we would just rather start out at the hospital...the last thing I wanted to deal with was a transfer.

Our induction was set for Tuesday, September 13th at 5:30 am at Spartanburg Regional. At that point, I was already over a week past due and I had absolutely no symptoms of entering labor anytime soon. I don't think I've ever been so nervous in my whole life! I slept a total of maybe 2 hours the night before the induction and the only thing I could eat was a slice of toast before leaving for the hospital. It was that nervous "first day of school" feeling times a thousand! The staff at the hospital was SO sweet, though...they really put me at ease. They hooked me up to probably a dozen different instruments...heart rate and contraction monitors, I/V fluids, a blood pressure cuff, catheters, etc...that took some getting used to. I think what I hated the most was the fact that I had to lay still.

When I was admitted, I was 3 cm dilated. They started the Pitocin and the first few hours, it wasn't too bad. However, they kept cranking up the drip because I still wasn't dilating, so by 11:30 I was starting to feel very uncomfortable and I was starting to develop back labor. So, I caved, recieved my epidural and was able to get a couple of hours of sleep. The doctor also broke my water and stripped my membranes, and even tried to stretch my cervix in hopes of moving things along. By 6:00 pm, I had only dilated another 3 cm, making for a total of 6 cm dilated. The Pitocin was cranked up as high as possible, and had been for some time. Vivian was still at a -1 station, and wasn't even engaged in my pelvis yet. The doctor was willing to give me a couple more hours, because Vivian's heart rate was responding well to the contractions. However, my blood pressure was starting to sky rocket and I was feeling a HUGE urge to push and I felt a lot of pain with those urges. My body would involuntarily push with each contraction, even though it was too early to push...so not only was I having to deal with a lot of pain, I was having to fught a natural reflex to push.

Once again, after a lot of prayer (and tears) I decided to go ahead and opt for the c-section. Even though it was NOT the way I wanted to have this baby, I knew in the back of my mind that it was always a possibility...my mother had a c-section with me for similar reasons, and I hear that you tend to labor like your mother. They rolled me into the O.R. and the atmosphere was very relaxed, which put me at ease. The doctor and his staff were talking and laughing, and he had "Creedence Clearwater Revival" blasting on the boom box. The anesthesiologist, named Cindy, was WONDERFUL and held my hand and talked me through the whole surgery...I will always remember her and her kindness and support.

They started the surgery and I didn't feel pain, but I could feel everything that they were doing...it was the oddest feeling...like an out-of-body experience. Sometime during the song "Down on the Corner", I heard Vivian's cries for the first time, amidst the exclamations, "Whoa, that's a big, healthy baby!!" I started to cry and I kept asking over and over if she was alright. I remember Brad telling me that she was perfect and healthy and he brought her over for me to see her. They tested her blood sugar, just to make sure she didn't have Gestational Diabetes and her blood sugar was perfect. The doctor felt that she was more overdue than we thought...more like two weeks overdue. He also felt like I made the right decision by opting to go ahead with the c-section, because once he actually saw her, he felt that if the labor had progressed any further, she would have been stuck in the birth canal, and then we would have ended up with an emergency c-section. God definitely was watching out for us. She was the same exact size as Brad at birth, so that was the reason for her weight and length. She was the largest baby born that day. :)

They had to increase the pain meds because I was feeling a great deal of pain as Dr. Watkins was sewing me back up, and by the end of the surgery I was as a high as a kite and seeing double! They rolled me into recovery and I slowly started to come back to reality, although I was shaking a good bit. She was sleeping soundly as they placed her in my arms for the first time, and the shaking subsided. I said, "Hi, baby...it's so nice to finally meet you." That is when she opened her eyes and we locked eyes for the first time. It was like I was gazing inside of my own soul and this warmth washed all over me, and tears flooded my eyes. It's a feeling I've never felt before, and what an overwhelming feeling that was! We just stared at eachother and studied eachother for the longest time...and then she sighed, closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

It's hard to believe that it was three weeks ago, and it's hard to believe that she's mine. She really is the most content baby, and only cries when she is hungry or when she wants to be held. She is a huge cuddle bug, so she gets held pretty often. It still seems so surreal sometimes, but with all of the responsiblities that come with being a mom, I don't have time to think about that...I've pretty much had to hit the ground running. Speaking of which, I hear my little Vivi waking up now and I have to wrap this up!

The End is Near...

I can't believe almost two months have flown by without a post! This is NOT a good indicator of how well I'm going to keep up with this blogging thing after Vivian's here. There were many times I would think of an interesting topic to write, it was simply mustering up the energy to write it, and getting those creativity juices flowing.

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of showers, errands, doctor/midwife appointments, nesting, shopping, getting the nursery set up, and just life in general. I have been blessed with four showers...one from my family back home, a friends and family shower up here, a work shower and a church shower. Most of what we need has been provided to us, which is a blessing, because we are paying for her birth completely out of pocket. I also was fortunate enough to score some free prenatal massages, because there were some students at a massage school who needed some practice doing the prenatal type.

Which leads me up to now, just a couple days shy of my 37th week. Physically, I am SO past ready. I can feel a difference in my hips and pelvis, as they've spread apart...I feel like those joints are creaky and rusty and need some WD-40! My feet and ankles look as if they've been stung by a thousand yellow jackets, they are so swollen. My muscles ache, the ligaments in my belly holding up Vivian throb. I can literally feel her head, bearing down on my bladder and pelvic region...it can physically hurt at times. I wake up once per hour to pee during the night. I can't walk--er waddle--very fast at all. At work, I feel like I'm half as efficient, even though it seems these days I have twice the workload and I'm feeling just burnt out. I come home exhausted and drained everyday. I'm sick of strangers constantly telling me that I'm about to "pop" and if someone else asks if I'm having twins, I will scream. Yes, I am ready for my body to be back to normal!

Mentally, emotionally I don't know if I'll ever feel "ready." I have that excited, giddy mixed with trepidation feeling that one gets before a really huge, exciting event. I remember feeling this way before a huge first date with a guy I really liked, the prom, right before I left for college and my first day ever of teaching. Of course, her birth makes those other events pale in comparison, but the emotions are the same. I can't wait to meet her and hold her in my arms, because I feel like I know her already. I'm looking forward to seeing that perfect blend of me and Brad and knowing that she needs me and adores me (and Brad) more than anyone else in the world. Of course, I also have doubts and fears...am I up for this, can we really afford to have a baby, will I have the energy and the know-how to raise a child, etc. But I also know that I have love and support from friends and family and I won't be going this alone.

This will probably be my last blog before she arrives. My next one will probably be written during the twilight hours, when Vivian is all confused and keeping me awake. I hope to have a successful birth story to post (barring gross details and pictures, of course). So, stay tuned!

10 Things I Didn't Expect

Did I expect the nausea and the mood swings? You betcha! Here are 10 things about pregnancy that I didn't quite expect:



--The fact that it is SO dang difficult to obtain quality sleep at night after about week 16. (Hence the reason I'm typing this blog at 5:38 am in the morning). I have to get up every two hours to pee, Vivian likes to have a party in my uterus in the wee hours of the morning, and sleeping on my side is just miserable. I feel like after an hour on my side, my shoulder and hip have been dislocated. Not to mention the momentous effort it requires to flip over.

--That I would be eating Tums like they were candy.

--That my truly neurotic side would come out in the open. I always seem to worry about something I've accidently done to harm the baby, or if I'm going to be a good parent. I think people tire of seeing my neurotic posts on facebook!

--That I would adore the swimming pool this much. There is nothing better than floating around, feeling weightless...and being able to lay on my stomach! Oh yes, the pool is my new BFF.

--That I would have more of a respect and admiration for my own mom. I find myself talking on the phone with her more often, soliciting her advice. I think now that I realize what she went through to bring me into this world, I have more of an appreciation for her than I did before. Not only that, but now I understand the love the she feels for me, because I'm beginning to feel that love for my own child.

--That I would already feel as if I know my daughter already. I know that she kicks when I'm hungry (meaning she's likely hungry as well). She's not an early morning person, but she loves to party at night. She is quite the little prankster because my first pregnancy test came back negative and all the signs pointed to "boy"....and she has been very feminine in both of her ultrasounds. Early in my pregnancy, I could always tell the doctor or midwife where they could locate her heartbeat, because she always hung out on my left side, behind my artery...and the very first kicks I could feel, I felt in that area.

--That having to pee 24-7 is no exagerration. I swear, I buy toilet paper twice as often as I used to. It doesn't help that little girl likes to head-butt my bladder all of the time.

--That the aches and pains are no joke either. My stretched out abdominal muscles ache. My hips and pelvis crackle and pop when I walk. My lower back throbs. My feet hurt from all of the extra weight pressing down on them. I could go on and on. I told Brad to duct-tape a watermelon to his belly and walk around for a day (and to try and sleep with the watermelon at night as well). That might give him an idea. Although, I will say, he has been very empathetic towards me. :)

--That people seem to find you much more interesting when you're pregnant. At my job, women are always asking me when I'm due, asking me questions and soliciting advice. I think other moms feel more of a connection with you when they know you're a mom, too. I also get pampered a good bit more, both at work, home and out in public. I could get used to that!

--The whole second trimester "energy burst" is a bunch of crock. I'm beginning to think that the urge to nest is a fib, too, because I yet to have the urge to nest. I mostly just have the urge to veg out and be a couch potato these days.

Vivian

The definition of "Vivian" according to http://www.urbandictionary.com/ (I thought it was cute).

Vivian:

(n.) one of the most beautiful names a girl can have.

Because it ends with a gentle flow when you pronounce it, it has an elegant and graceful twist to the name. It is also special because Vivian is not as common as other names. Unlike some names that make the girl sound like a total airhead, Vivian sounds graceful and elegantly classy. Parents who name their girls Vivian have refined taste. It is more likely a name for the upper-class.

Any girl with this name is very likely to be pretty with an amazing personality. The name has a sense of beauty with a drop of danger and adventure and fun to it. It is derived from the Latin meaning "life". Adrienne is also a great name for a girl but Vivian is exclusively used for girls.....aka Vivienne or other spellings.

Pretty much any name that ends with a consonant followed by -ian has a beautiful ring to it, like Lillian, Hadrian, Julian, etc.


How can anyone forget the girl named Vivian?

Man, that Vivian is a beautiful girl!

I wish I have a girlfriend named Vivian. She would be gorgeous and lots of fun.

Man, that Vivian is so fun to be around, not to mention she's pretty too!

What's your name? Vivian? That's a gorgeous name!

No girl can be compared to a girl named Vivian.

Yes, I'm Using a Midwife

“Who is your OB?” “Which hospital are you giving birth at…St. Francis or Greenville Memorial?” I receive those questions on a regular basis and always inwardly cringe and brace myself for the inevitable reaction when I reply, “Well, actually I’m using a midwife.”

I’ve gotten a variety of responses to that statement. Usually the first reply is…”So….you mean you aren’t getting an epidural?!?! OMG!!! HA--Good luck with that honey! More power to ‘ya.” Usually when the shock of that wears off, most of my friends and family have been supportive or at least accepting. Several friends have shared that they find my decision inspirational and are considering the same option once they have become pregnant. I’ve only had a few people give me some serious flack over it, and I’ve just learned to drop the subject…you can’t convince everyone and you have to do what you feel is best for you and your baby.

Originally, I never in a million years pictured myself using a midwife or doing childbirth completely natural and drug free. In fact, I always figured I’d end up like my mother, having a C-Section after 24 hours of grueling labor, and complications from an epidural. I’m not what you would consider your stereotypical midwife client. I always pictured crunchy moms, women who were into doing things completely organic and natural, tree-hugging women who were a bit on the hippie side (think back to that home-birth scene in “The Back-up Plan”)—which as you know, that is totally NOT me. And honestly, there are more “normal” women that choose this option more than you might think.

However, circumstances led me to research giving birth with a midwife. My husband is self-employed and I work for a small business, so we have to buy our own insurance. If we wanted insurance that would cover maternity, it would cost us at least $500 a month…and we would have to wait several years to become pregnant before it would even become covered. It didn’t sound worth it in our opinion, plus we couldn’t afford it. We also make double the minimum income that is required in order to receive government assistance for pregnancy. As prideful as I was, I did look into it upon discovering my pregnancy, but quickly learned it was out of the question. And once I started calling around to hospitals and OBs, I learned that the out-of-pocket expenses would cause us to go into a huge amount of debt and I certainly didn’t want to support another family member with a load of debt on our shoulders. So, I watched a documentary about midwives, spoke with a family member who used one, read as much as a could about it online, and ultimately met and interviewed our current midwife for a grueling two hours (bless her heart)! I’ve never met or heard of anyone that regretted their decision of choosing a homebirth/birthing center over a hospital. We prayed about it, and we felt at peace with our decision.

So, just to clear the air and answer all of those questions, here are some of the most common ones I get:

“So, you’re going without an epidural?!”

Yes, I am. Go ahead, gasp, gawk and make bets behind my back that I will end up in a begging for one in a hospital before the labor is finished. I realize pushing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon is unfathomably painful, but women had to do it for thousands of years up until the last century. God designed and created our bodies to give birth. In fact, back in 1948, my Grandma Moye gave birth to my father with a midwife in her bedroom, and did it with no epidural. We’re made of the same cloth and have the same spirit and spunk, and if she can do it, I can do it, too. And honestly, when people tell me that I won’t be able to (and yes, I’ve had a few people actually tell me that), it just adds fuel to my fire. I’m not a competitive person, but nothing lights a fire under my butt more than having someone tell me that I’m incapable of accomplishing something.

And a more scientifically based note, I’ve done research and found that Pitocin actually makes the contractions so much more intense and painful, and with no catalyst labor-enhancing drug, the contractions are a lot more bearable. I know the “ring of fire” will be no walk in the park, but luckily, that’s only at the very end. The birthing center will also have Jacuzzi tubs available to help ease the pain, and to prevent tearing. Also, the fact that I’ll be moving around…and not laying on my back, will help expedite the labor and help the baby move down faster. My mother also had a reaction to an epidural and was physically unable to push after receiving hers…resulting in both her and me going into distress because the labor couldn’t progress…and ultimately resulting in my emergency c-section. I don’t want a repeat of that. So, yes, I know it will hurt, and I will likely scream and cry and let a few cuss words rip and curse my poor husband for knocking me up…but I also know that when I hold my little girl for the first time, that pain will dissipate and it will be completely worth it.

“Are you getting any prenatal care?”

Oh my goodness, yes! Superb, top-notch care. My midwife gives me 45 minutes at every visit. She never rushes me, allows me to ask incessant, nit-picky questions, yet never makes me feel stupid. Laura and Amy are very well-informed and have years of experience and hundreds of births under their belts. At each monthly visit, we listen to the heartbeat, I get my blood-pressure read, I have my urine tested each time for glucose and protein levels, and we discuss my diet, exercise and she asks me a list of benchmark questions each time. I also see an OB at the beginning and end of the pregnancy as well, as required by South Carolina law. He communicates and has a working relationship with the midwives and I also have my blood work done with him. At 19 weeks, I had Vivian’s anatomy scan ultrasound and at 28 weeks, I’ll have the oh-so-fun glucose test done. The last month of the pregnancy, I’ll see my midwife every week and I’ll also receive post-partum visits from her…in which, she’ll actually drive to my house. So, I would say that, yes, I get excellent prenatal care for a small fraction of the cost.

“What if something goes wrong?”

Because my pregnancy is so closely monitored, chances are a problem will be detected before I go into labor, and if so, my midwife will not hesitate to refer me to an OB, preferably a high-risk OB. They carefully monitor for any situation like pre-ecclampsia, gestational diabetes, placental previa, or having a breeched baby, etc. Should something go downhill during the labor, they tend to be cautious and will admit me to the hospital before things become life-threatening. They do have equipment on site to deal with last minute emergencies and have the ability and the knowledge to handle these situations. After almost 1,000 births, the mortality rate is ZERO. And the birth center is right around the corner from the hospital.

So this is my long, epic post, but hopefully I’ve answered those common questions and cleared up some misconceptions about midwives. No worries, I won’t be having a baby in a barn or in the backseat of the car anytime soon. What began as a situation of circumstance is a decision that I’m actually quite happy with and I can’t picture it any other way. And when people have treated us like we're crazy, irrepsonsible, or assume that we're poor because we're choosing this and throw the "Medicaid" thing our direction, I've learned to shrug it off. I’m nervous about giving birth, but I’m sure all moms are. I don’t feel like my choice is the only choice for everyone…I am not anti-doctor or hospital at all. To each woman, her own. I just feel like for us, it is the right fit.

If you want to check out my midwife’s website, and learn more, you can go to www.scmidwife.com

The Final Hoo-Rah

Brad and I decided to take a long weekend to go to the beach...one last "hoo-rah" before the baby comes. I thought it would be a good idea to go before the weather became too hot and humid and I became a whale.

So, we went down to one of our favorite spots, Hunting Island. We adore Hunting Island, because it's a state park and so it's not overly crowded with gift shops and high-rise hotels and throngs of tourists. However, Beaufort is 15 minutes away if you decide you want to venture out and dine and shop. We always get a campsite within sight of the ocean, and it's the most relaxing feeling in the world to sit out by a bonfire at night, talking to one another and listening to the sound of the tides crashing onto the shore.

We spent the time walking and exploring trails with the dogs. At night we spent time by the bonfire, sometimes in deep conversation, at other times enjoying the silence. We were out on the beach all day Sunday, and I completely forgot to apply sunblock, so I was burnt to a crisp. Normally I have a nice base tan from the tanning bed, but since that is one of the things you are banned from during pregnancy, I was as white as a ghost when we first arrived at the beach. Now I'm a tomato with a raccoon face, because I wore chunky sunglasses and it left an awful tan-line. Brad and I joked that we were quite a sight...me being a pregnant tomato and him having the most obvious farmer's tan of all time!!

We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and left feeling relaxed, but bittersweet, because it's the last time we will be vacationing, just the two of us. I'm sure we will still be able to get away from time to time, but it will be a rarity and I'm sure we'll worry about our kids the whole time. We talked about renting a cottage on Edisto Island next year and just having a laid back vacation with Vivian. It will certainly be a few years before we'll be ready to tackle a place with numerous attractions and activities (ie Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg).

Fears

Reality is really starting to set in. With every kick that Vivian gives (which have been stronger and more frequent by the day) it's a constant reminder that she's real and not imaginary. Being able to call her by name, setting up a registry, designing her nursery, making monthly payments to the midwife for her upcoming birth...it is all becoming overwhelmingly solid.

For the most part, I'm excited. I spend much of my time imagining who she'll look like, who she'll take after personality-wise, the adventures we'll have together. And it's those thoughts that keep me sane and grounded. An equal amount of time, I have other fears and doubts creep through my mind.

For one thing, I have no idea what in the HECK I'm doing. I've worked with children before, but I have no experience with newborn babies. Newborns have always intimidated me, so I usually just admire them from a distance. I've pestered my friends who are already young mothers with a plethora of questions concerning feeding, a sleeping schedule, what to register for, what to dress them in (do they really need a long sleeve onesie to sleep in if they are already swaddled with a blanket)...there are so many nit picky questions that I have. It nags at me all day.

Another fear is money...or the lack thereof. It's not that Brad and I are poor...we just don't have an overabundance of money either. And children cost a lot of money...I'm learning that very quickly. Sure, you don't have to dress them in clothes from Gymboree or that cute little botique...Wal-Mart gets the job done, and your baby will survive just fine if he or she wears store brand instead of Pampers, but even if you cut down on a lot of expenses, there are still many more you can't avoid. What if this baby gets sick all the time...can we afford the doctor bills? There are times with just the two of us that I feel like we live paycheck to paycheck...how in the world are we going to afford another one of us? I'm already planning on breastfeeding, cloth diapering part time, purchasing clothes from consignment and honing in on my sewing skills to make cute dresses, and making home-made baby food to shave down costs, but there are so many other costs to counteract those savings. Childcare is going to be a beast to pay for, and will eat a chunk of my modest income, yet I can't afford to quit my job until Brad's business is set and he has a full clientele. I feel screwed either way.

Which leads to my next fear...working full time and being a full time mother. There are plenty of women that do it, but I feel like my life is hectic and exhausting enough without factoring in a 40 hour work-week. Sure, stay at home moms will talk about how tough it is, but face it: if your baby is up all night screaming, you have the luxury of napping the next day while the baby naps. Meanwhile, I have to splash cold water on my face, and bring a huge thermos of coffee with me to work. How in the world am I going to manage to have the time and energy to dedicate to being the best mom I can be, when I feel like half of me is going to have to be dedicated to my job??

Which leads to another fear of having to do it all...my husband is one of the most hardworking, dedicated people I know. It's a trait that I love him for and also I trait that I can loathe at times. He has no clue how to politely say "no". He stretches himself too thin and I feel like a lot of times I get the exhausted, sloppy seconds. There are many evenings where I only see him for a short time before he crashes into bed. Life is even crazier than ever with him working full time with his brother and trying to set up his own business, taking care of his new clients, and is out bidding jobs trying to recruit more clients. Right now, as I write this, he is still out on a job. An early evening is him arriving home at 6:00-6:30. He is working most of the day on Saturday. I feel like on top of being a working mom, I'm going to be a single mom, too. I feel like he's going to be walking through the door right as I'm putting Vivian to bed each night. I personally know what it's like to have a dad that works himself into the ground, and it sucks. Not only do I fear he's never going to see her, I fear I'm going to be going this alone. I know it sounds silly, for those that know Brad, but that's how I feel.

And lastly, I feel the huge burden of knowing that I am responsible for bringing this baby up to be a woman of character. For bringing a soul into existence for eternity. I think back to how I was growing up and I could be a holy terror sometimes. I know everyone feels that way when they glimpse back to their childhood, but I gave my folks a run for their money...and quite a few gray hairs. I cringe when I think of how I back-talked to my parents--I would say horrible things-- and would lie and sneak around behind their backs. I made so many mistakes as a teenager and young adult. It's a wonder I didn't wind up dead in a ditch somewhere, but God had his hand on me. Of course, every parents' prayer is that their child will grow up to be a huge goody-two-shoes, but this girl has my DNA and I'm afraid she'll inherit my innocent exterior with my hidden bad-girl persona. I will pray that isn't so and that I can help her avoid so many of the mistakes and heartaches and pitfalls that I endured.

Well, I know this has been a negative post, but I like to keep things honest. This isn't just your typical baby blog with belly photos and nursery pictures--although I'll throw those in from time to time. This is a real, candid look at the inside of a mom-to-be...and all the trials, joys and tribulations and thoughts that I will endure. If you've stuck with me thus far, thanks!!

It's a girl!

I didn't think last Wednesday would EVER get here. The days just seemed to become progressively slower as we reached the date of our ultrasound. That morning, work was pure agony. (Which reminds me, always do the ultrasound first thing in the morning)! We had to wait until 2:00 to find out, and my mind was anywhere but at work.

If I thought the days leading up to the ultrasound was slow, the time spent in the waiting room was even longer. By the time we were called back, I practically threw myself on the bed and yanked up my shirt! As excited as I was, I was also very nervous. This was the first time we were going to see the baby, and I was apprehensive about everything checking out okay, health wise. The best way to describe the feeling is the type of feeling I would get before a first date with a guy I really, really liked. Thrilled, yet apprehensive.

However, all of my jitters changed to awe when we got a first glimpse of the baby on the screen. It was the most surreal feeling. I always thought I would cry, but I actually laughed instead. We told the tech that we wanted to know the gender right away, and I thought for SURE we would see a "turtle". Despite what we suspected, the tech said, "It definitely looks like a girl to me." I replied, "Are you sure?! I'm not trying to insult your intelligence, or anything like that, but do you think we have a boy with a tiny package?" She just grinned and responded, "That's not a tiny package, that is definitely a girl." But to put the debate at rest, she called in someone else, just for a second opinion, which confirmed that our girl was very, um, girly.

I have to admit, after yearning for a boy for years, my heart sank a bit. And then I felt like I was getting payback for all of the gray hairs I put in my own mother's head. But, it didn't take long for the disappointment to melt away and for pure, overwhelming love to take over. How could I love this sweet baby any less, just because she's a girl? Sometimes God honors the desires of our heart, but other times, He knows best and gives us what we NEED instead...and evidently we need a little girl in our lives.

After an hour of watching her on the screen, I was too in love to even care if she was a girl. She had so much personality (I'm sure every parent says this, but she really did)! She barely stayed still the whole time (which is a relief that she's a healthy girl, but I'm afraid I'll have an active baby on my hands). She bounced and wiggled and kicked and waved and head banged and rolled and fist pumped the whole time. The most precious sight was when she stretched back her head and delicately scratched her chin for a minute, like she was perplexed in thought. And we were quite relieved to hear that our child was very "average" in all of her growth measurements and was very healthy and strong. (It will be the one time I don't mind hearing that she's just average, haha)!

Her on-screen personality helped solidify her name, Vivian. We had pretty much decided on that name before the ultrasound, but were open to potentially changing it. But after watching her dance around for an hour, we knew it was the ideal name for our girl. Vivian means lively, alive, vivacious and bold. I think she'll have no problem living up to that name. I also adore the name Vivian, not only for the meaning, but for the old-fashioned, yet glamorous sound. I loved the actress Vivian Leigh, who was popular in the 1940's. I thought it would be a name that was timeless, classic, yet not overused.

We are still getting used to the thought of a little girl, and to be honest, the thought intimidates me a bit. But I'm up to the challenge, and Brad is already wrapped around her finger, though he may not know it yet. He's already on a mission to find her a "plush, pink pig" for her first stuffed animal. I'm looking forward to the friendship that mother and daughter have for life, even though I know there will be times where I am public enemy number one. I am also looking forward to seeing her whip Brad...I was a Daddy's girl, and still am to this day. It'll be a fun, interesting ride for sure!

Pink...or blue??

Right now Brad and I are waiting in suspense until 2:00pm, Wednesday April 13th. That is when we will discover if we are having a little boy or a little girl. Seriously, I have no idea how my parents (and parents before that) waited. I suppose they didn't know any different. However, I am a very impatient person when it comes to the rhelm of the unknown! I want to be able to call our baby by name...not just Baby V. or "it". I want to be able to design a nursery that is gender specific and buy clothes. The way I see it, we will be just as surprised at the ultrasound as we would be at the birth. In fact, I found the most adorable crib bedding (if it's a boy) and I'm hanging on to the receipt just in case it's a girl.

Of course, throughout the first half of the pregnancy you get the inevitable questions: "What are you hoping for...a boy or a girl?" And "What do you feel like you're having?" My response to the first question is the stereotypical, "Well, either is fine as long as it's healthy." But truth be told, I would love, love, love a little boy. And as far as the second question goes, we both feel strongly that it's a boy--but I wonder if that is only because we long for one.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to resent this little one if she turns out to be a girl. I'm sure that I won't be able to imagine it any other way. I have just always loved little boys and their mischevious spirits and their precocious grins. Mothers and sons have a tight, unexplainable bond, just like fathers and daughters do. I would wholeheartedly say that I am a "Daddy's girl" through and through. I would love to have a "Momma's boy". Not in the wimpy sense at all...but to raise a little boy into a man of character would be such a great accomplishment and joy.

I babysat for mostly boys over the years and always enjoyed all of the projects, the play fights, the video games, and the chaos, etc. I guess that just comes natural to me. I always loved my girls students to death, but always had a soft spot for my boys. And the thought of Brad doing father-son things with our boy like camping and fishing, baseball and Boyscouts just melts my heart.

If, in fact I am having a girl, I know that I may feel a little dissapointment (it sounds horrible, but I'm being honest), but I am confident I will quickly become thrilled at the prospect as well. It would be fun to have "girls nights", shop together, and have heart-to-heart talks. And hopefully we can enjoy the best of both worlds...spa days together, as well as camping at the beach. As long as she isn't prissy girly, I'm sure we'll get along just fine.

Whoever, he or she is, I know that God has a plan and a purpose for his or her life. And so I will remind myself of this before (and, if needed, after) the ultrasound. I am excited to get to know this little one and can't wait to have many adventures with it!

Crossroads

I always envisioned a different scenario upon discovering my pregnancy. I always thought I would come up with a cute, creative way to reveal the news to my husband (ie. giving him a baby bib that said, "I love my Daddy") or something along those lines. Instead, Brad found me sitting on the toilet, pants around the ankles, as I was trembling with a test in my hand. Of course, me shrieking, "OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD!!!" is probably what caught his attention.

Brad's reaction was in stark contrast to mine. He squealed (yes, squealed), jumped up and down and clapped his hands and chanted, "Yes! Yes! Yes! That is awesome!" Instead, my whole life felt like it was flashing before my eyes, and I was in total disbelief. I kept asking him if I was seeing things and if he thought it was a faulty test. Although, there was no arguing with the dark, dark pink plus sign that had appeared just seconds after peeing on the stick.

Moments later, the dogs were barking and running around and it took us a moment to realize that our friend JD had begun to knock on our door just seconds after our discovery. I remember opening the door with a wide-eyed, ashen expression on my face and later JD told us that he thought something weird was happening.

We immediately phoned both of our parents and while his parents were excited (and I think relieved that we were finally having kids), mine were in just as much shock as I was. I was still in disbelief as I was telling my parents, so I honestly felt like I was telling them a fib. I even insisted on driving to Walgreen's at 9:30 pm to take another test "just in case". However, the Walgreen's test confirmed what the Wal-Mart test confirmed...I was very, very pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I didn't want the pregnancy. I just didn't expect it, and I certainly did not feel ready. I know about the birds and bees, and how babies are made, it's just that there were so many other "incidents" over the years where I should have logically become pregnant and didn't. There were so many times when I was late, had the textbook symptoms only to start a period a day or two later. And this time, I had virtually no symptoms, and even tested negative right before New Year's Eve (I had to find out if I could have the real bubbly or just the bubbly grape juice). I also thought that pregnancy was something that happened to "grown-ups". Even though I'm 27, and Brad is 29, we certainly don't feel like it. And Brad and I had just decided that this spring he would embark on starting his own landscaping company. So the timing just seemed very off, but I had to just trust in God and His perfect timing.

And so over the next few weeks, reality sank in (as well as some very real pregnancy symptoms). We gradually told close friends and family members, and as we did, I began to believe it more and more with each person I told. And as unprepared as I felt (and I still feel, to be honest), I just kept reminding myself that this baby is meant to be, and has a purpose and plan for his or her life. The responsibility of being a factor in that plan is still overwhelming. But God will only give us what we can handle, right??