Fears

Reality is really starting to set in. With every kick that Vivian gives (which have been stronger and more frequent by the day) it's a constant reminder that she's real and not imaginary. Being able to call her by name, setting up a registry, designing her nursery, making monthly payments to the midwife for her upcoming birth...it is all becoming overwhelmingly solid.

For the most part, I'm excited. I spend much of my time imagining who she'll look like, who she'll take after personality-wise, the adventures we'll have together. And it's those thoughts that keep me sane and grounded. An equal amount of time, I have other fears and doubts creep through my mind.

For one thing, I have no idea what in the HECK I'm doing. I've worked with children before, but I have no experience with newborn babies. Newborns have always intimidated me, so I usually just admire them from a distance. I've pestered my friends who are already young mothers with a plethora of questions concerning feeding, a sleeping schedule, what to register for, what to dress them in (do they really need a long sleeve onesie to sleep in if they are already swaddled with a blanket)...there are so many nit picky questions that I have. It nags at me all day.

Another fear is money...or the lack thereof. It's not that Brad and I are poor...we just don't have an overabundance of money either. And children cost a lot of money...I'm learning that very quickly. Sure, you don't have to dress them in clothes from Gymboree or that cute little botique...Wal-Mart gets the job done, and your baby will survive just fine if he or she wears store brand instead of Pampers, but even if you cut down on a lot of expenses, there are still many more you can't avoid. What if this baby gets sick all the time...can we afford the doctor bills? There are times with just the two of us that I feel like we live paycheck to paycheck...how in the world are we going to afford another one of us? I'm already planning on breastfeeding, cloth diapering part time, purchasing clothes from consignment and honing in on my sewing skills to make cute dresses, and making home-made baby food to shave down costs, but there are so many other costs to counteract those savings. Childcare is going to be a beast to pay for, and will eat a chunk of my modest income, yet I can't afford to quit my job until Brad's business is set and he has a full clientele. I feel screwed either way.

Which leads to my next fear...working full time and being a full time mother. There are plenty of women that do it, but I feel like my life is hectic and exhausting enough without factoring in a 40 hour work-week. Sure, stay at home moms will talk about how tough it is, but face it: if your baby is up all night screaming, you have the luxury of napping the next day while the baby naps. Meanwhile, I have to splash cold water on my face, and bring a huge thermos of coffee with me to work. How in the world am I going to manage to have the time and energy to dedicate to being the best mom I can be, when I feel like half of me is going to have to be dedicated to my job??

Which leads to another fear of having to do it all...my husband is one of the most hardworking, dedicated people I know. It's a trait that I love him for and also I trait that I can loathe at times. He has no clue how to politely say "no". He stretches himself too thin and I feel like a lot of times I get the exhausted, sloppy seconds. There are many evenings where I only see him for a short time before he crashes into bed. Life is even crazier than ever with him working full time with his brother and trying to set up his own business, taking care of his new clients, and is out bidding jobs trying to recruit more clients. Right now, as I write this, he is still out on a job. An early evening is him arriving home at 6:00-6:30. He is working most of the day on Saturday. I feel like on top of being a working mom, I'm going to be a single mom, too. I feel like he's going to be walking through the door right as I'm putting Vivian to bed each night. I personally know what it's like to have a dad that works himself into the ground, and it sucks. Not only do I fear he's never going to see her, I fear I'm going to be going this alone. I know it sounds silly, for those that know Brad, but that's how I feel.

And lastly, I feel the huge burden of knowing that I am responsible for bringing this baby up to be a woman of character. For bringing a soul into existence for eternity. I think back to how I was growing up and I could be a holy terror sometimes. I know everyone feels that way when they glimpse back to their childhood, but I gave my folks a run for their money...and quite a few gray hairs. I cringe when I think of how I back-talked to my parents--I would say horrible things-- and would lie and sneak around behind their backs. I made so many mistakes as a teenager and young adult. It's a wonder I didn't wind up dead in a ditch somewhere, but God had his hand on me. Of course, every parents' prayer is that their child will grow up to be a huge goody-two-shoes, but this girl has my DNA and I'm afraid she'll inherit my innocent exterior with my hidden bad-girl persona. I will pray that isn't so and that I can help her avoid so many of the mistakes and heartaches and pitfalls that I endured.

Well, I know this has been a negative post, but I like to keep things honest. This isn't just your typical baby blog with belly photos and nursery pictures--although I'll throw those in from time to time. This is a real, candid look at the inside of a mom-to-be...and all the trials, joys and tribulations and thoughts that I will endure. If you've stuck with me thus far, thanks!!